efore I begin my post today I would like to explain a little about why I chose to start this ‘blog’. I was going through some therapy to help sort out my anxieties and low mood when my therapist and I began to discover that they were not out of fear for situations going wrong but more because of my insecurities of who I am. I decided to start this blog as a way to be honest, open and true to myself; below is something I wrote about myself in amongst the struggle:
Accountability is an important thing for each one of us to have access to but it’s one I’ve particularly avoided. Accountability means to be open; to be honest; to be true – these are things I have not been able to be for a long time – they are things that have the potential to shatter me into pieces. For you see I am already broken; loosely held together by the hope that I just might make it without breaking again. But there’s this voice within me; whispering: open your heart; set me free and let me be. My heart was once whole and complete with little care in the world but the day came when this could not remain. My sister was ill and was no longer herself but she remained alive so grieving seemed wrong but the sister I once loved and knew was gone; instead remained her shell. I spent my time crying and longing for her to return clinging on to the hope that she wasn’t really gone – her body was still here she would come back again. As time past it seemed silly to cry for something that happened so long ago so I buried it deep within my heart and closed the door – I must be strong and carry on. My heart was locked and safe from harm protected by a solid bolt that no-one could break. I began to create a new version of me; one with a ‘new’ heart – one that couldn’t break. My life became about others so I didn’t have to think of my own real heart so I sought to bring joy and love to others. As time went by I became a chameleon – ever changing into the me who matched the scene. I began to lose myself and mimicked the way others lived – the best parts – so that I could create the best version of me. Although it wasn’t really me at all for the real me had been buried deep within my locked stone heart. Slowly more time past and unknown to me people crept into my life that had the ability to unlock the bolt to my heart. God started with my husband who he chose; a man so perfect and right for me. My children arrived and made our family four; their beauty slowly opening the door. My friends who stuck by me when all things went sour; when I lost the strength to hide anymore. The fight was now on to protect what I had buried but my chameleon life became hard to keep up; ever changing and never sure if any of these colours were truly the real me. Now it soon became time to unlock the heart and dig up the me I had buried with the pain all that time ago; a me that I had told myself was not worth being. A me that was selfish, lazy and unkind; a me that was not worth knowing. For if I didn’t have to be me I wouldn’t have to feel the pain once more. But that small voice continued to whisper “let me out; set me free and let me be”. The whisper of my heart – the real true me.
The song ‘True Colours’ has recently become a song of great importance and value. The funny thing is it has also appeared ALL over the place. I in fact first thought of the song when I heard that my friends daughter was having a hard time; I sent her the song and said “Get your daughter to listen to this – it’s for her!” Turns out it was also for me!! Then I found out they sing this song at my daughters school and she knew almost all the words; then it turns out it’s also one of the main feature songs from the new Dreamworks film ‘Trolls’. I even came across hearing it being played in Tesco yesterday as I did some shopping. As my good friend said to me when I told her – “God is really trying to tell us something!” I believe she is right – it’s a valuable lesson for us all.
However; I myself, as you have read above, do not find it easy to show my true colours. For so many reasons, including the ones mentioned above; I have found myself becoming uncomfortable and insecure about my ‘true colours’. My 6 year old daughter put it into perspective for me whilst we were listening to the song over dinner – “Our true colours are our God colours mummy!” ( I will explain what she meant by ‘God colours’ in a moment) but it made me suddenly realised how important it really was,especially as a Christian, to show my true colours and be confident in them. For if I as a Christian can not be comfortable with the colours my God has given me; then I’m first of all disrespecting Him and his gift to me and second of all showing the world that I have not found confidence in the one place that I should – in who am in Christ!
So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith.Galatians 3:26
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.Psalm139:13
Stating that I am a child of God is no small thing; he is my Father; therefore just like I have inherited characteristics from my own earthly father as a Christian I have also inherited His character – his colours! This does not mean I am exactly like God;there’s still some broken bits in there and I’m sure some undiscovered ‘colours’ that he has placed within me but that is what this journey of life is partly about – getting to know God and the true colours he gave to us when we were still being formed in our mothers womb.
I spoke earlier about ‘God-colours’ which is something I picked up when I read Matthew 5:14-16 in ‘The Message’ version of the bible it says “Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.” To me this declares the huge importance of being both open and demonstrating who we really are. Authenticity is important and I have realised it’s essential for Christian’s to be authentic. I explained to my daughter that as a Christian I believe that we were here to show the God-colours to the world which I believe he has placed inside each one of us – the trick is learning how to access them and switch them on – being authentic and true to ourselves is a great way to start – knowing we have imperfections and asking for help and guidance to better them; knowing and believing that we have unique qualities that are valuable to show and not to be hidden. I found the fruits of the spirit were a great place to start because after all this is a description of God’s character: “Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness,Goodness, Faithfulness,Gentleness,Self control.” Instead of focusing on the fruits I didn’t have or maybe need extra work on I started looking at the ones I recognised were in me, (This was no easy task as the chameleon me had hidden who I was even to myself and I wasn’t sure I believed I was any of them.) but God was faithful in showing me himself; he opened my ears to what people were saying about me – the real me! I hated it at first – hearing compliments has become harder than hearing insults. This is the process I’m in currently still listening;letting it sink in; trying to agree and accept that there is good in me, value and God-colours for me to shine.
So if you receive anything from reading this post; know that the true colours of who you are, are not something to be hidden but a treasure to be shared with the world!